10 letters

Full Disclosure: This blog post will delve into the very personal. It will also have the occasional four-letter-word in it.

I haven’t truly shared a deep blog post in a while, there are a few reasons for that;

I’ve always struggled with the practice of regular writing, it’s never something I’ve been particularly good at. So, it often falls by the wayside to other opportunities for engagement.

Seminary is busy and demanding. Sometimes I need to focus my energies on my assignments and living into the very life before me. This means that sometimes, writing doesn’t get done.

But the predominant reason I haven’t taken the time to write in a while is due to this: Depression. Ten letters.

Due to a series of events in my life, course content interacting in particularly triggering ways, and demands of my internship, I spiraled into depression. For those who haven’t experienced the dark wolf, let me simply say this, depression is fucking brutal. It is a constant exhaustion coupled with not being able to sleep. It’s isolating yourself from those around you while wishing someone would just give you a hug and tell you they love you. It’s needing to do laundry but finding yourself still sprawled across your bed three hours later, unable to move and unable to care. You feel like you’re listening to the world through a straw and viewing the landscape through the sides of a dirty pint glass, your brain is covered in cheesecloth which slows down the reception and processing of information. It hurts to breathe. It is exhausting and painful to do the very things which are meant to sustain you.

Gratefully, I had people in my life who I was able to reach out to. I had the people who took me to lunch and tried to encourage me to eat. I had the people who made it okay for me to sit in a nearly catatonic state or held silence as tears streamed silently down my face. I had the people who made me carry a card of names and phone numbers for three people I would call in an emergency. I had the people who sent text messages every day just to check in. People invited me into their homes and guest rooms simply so I didn’t have to spend the night alone. I called people and cried, they loved me from afar, suggested scripture to read, and prayed with me. I took medical incompletes in two classes so as not to be a detriment to myself academically and professionally.

Some might suggest that this platform, a blog, is not the place to share such information. It’s airing dirty laundry for everyone to see. While I can understand their concern, I respond with the question, “What about depression and concerns for mental health make them particularly ‘dirty’ to society?” I choose to share this information because I believe that the more we are transparent about mental health issues the stronger we become as people and a society. When we talk about it and acknowledge it, we remove some of the shame and guilt which keeps people in the closet. When we talk about mental health in everyday life without whispering in hushed tones behind closed doors, we make the prospect of seeking help attainable. When we don’t talk about mental health, those who do have experiences with mood disorders just continue to feel like isolated, fucked up freaks. We don’t need that. So, I choose to name my depression. I choose to do so because it is healthy for me in my own growth and awareness, and I choose to do so with the knowledge that someone else may be experiencing depression and they should know that they are not alone. There is a vulnerability to naming and claiming our needs in this world, it is a vulnerability which invites the sacred in to work in new and exciting ways.

Some people suggest that mental illness is a sign of weakness, that God never gives us more than we can handle. I think that’s bullshit. If you really believe that God never gives each of us more than we can handle, I call upon you to look into the eyes of a family grieving the loss of a loved one to suicide and say that. Because sometimes, for some people, life truly shovels more shit on us than we can handle.

I know some people who believe strongly in redemptive suffering and believe that all suffering serves a purpose. I don’t agree with them. I believe that this experience will better equip me to be a stronger pastor, but I’d rather it not have happened.

We talk frequently in theological circles about the concepts of wholeness and brokenness.  I cringe to when these terms are used because brokenness implies wrongness or defect. Wholeness implies that any brokenness we’ve ever experienced is erased from the slate and never leaves a mark; I think we can all agree that such an idea is bullshit. Perhaps I’m thinking in too literal or linear a framework; but I think we’re all simultaneously broken and whole. It is the beauty in our brokenness which allows us to see ourselves as whole human beings despite our faults. It is the duct tape over the crack which tells of the ability of the wounded heart. Challenges with mental illness does not mean that a person is broken and not whole, it merely means one is experiencing a level of identity which not everyone knows.

Where am I now? I’m still in the midst of my depression. Medication and therapy are helping me to regain a degree of normalcy over my emotional and mental state, I’m feeling more in control. But there are still days where it’s extremely hard to get out of bed and do anything “productive.” There are days I feel like a robot incapable of emotion, and there are days I’m a basket-case of tears or anger. It’s all part of the ride I guess.

I don’t know if this has a point beyond naming depression for the sake of transparency, I don’t know if anyone will find comfort or shared experience in what I’ve laid out. I know that for some, depression ends only when life ends. I know for some, medication and therapy are a lifelong necessity. For some, intentional treatment may be a short-term reality. We all walk our own journey with life, it’s not a one-size fits-all world. That’s part of the reason talking about mental health is necessary, we don’t all fit into a cookie cutter shape for living.

So love each other. If you know someone who is depressed or suicidal, be present for them in any way that you can. Know your own limits in helping, but be available to the degree that you can. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK.