Dignity, Confessions, and Reflections

          I’ve done a substantial amount of reading over the past two days.  I spent all day at the library from 10:30 to 5pm yesterday, and then attended a reading retreat today from 9am to 5:30.  Although there is still a good chunk left to get done, I’ve managed to use my time well and get some of the major stuff out of the way, which feels great!  The readings for two classes are completely done.

This is my reading list for the week.  The blue arrows and underlined names are my classes, and the writing underneath is the reading for that class.  The stuff crossed off in green is what I accomplished in the past two days. 

          In all this reading, I’ve been having some great interaction with the text, and it has been really enjoyable to get down and dirty with these texts and explore more in the realm of theology.  The two main texts that I found quite enjoyable were:

Dignity: The Essential Role it Plays in Resolving Conflict by Donna Hicks, Ph.D. and

Confessions by Saint Augustine. 

As you can probably guess from the title of her book, Donna Hicks touches in the conflicts that arise when our dignity is violated and how we can move forward in healthy ways from such a situation.  Now, I didn’t agree with every angle she described in the first half of the book, but I’m only half way through so I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt.  What she included that I did like were two great lists which I want to share with you all.  Now, I’m going to give an absolutely shameless plug and say, “If you’re in a field where you work with people, go get this book!”  Ministry, psychology, therapy, teaching, babysitting, whatever you might do, I promise you you’ll get something beneficial out of reading Hick’s thoughts.  It’s an easy read with some nicely laid out ideas.  I’m excited to see where she takes the second half… anyway, back to the lists!

Hicks includes two great lists to help her readers understand what dignity is and how it is honored, as well as ways we violate the dignity of others or allow our own dignity to be violated.   Below are the two lists. *

10 Essential Elements of Dignity
Acceptance of Identity: Approach people as being neither inferior nor superior to you. Give them the freedom to express their authentic selves. Assume that others have integrity.
Inclusion: Make others feel that they belong, what ever the relationship.
Safety: Put people at ease physically (safe from bodily harm) and psychologically (safe from humiliation). Help them speak without fear of retribution.
Acknowledgment: Give people your full attention by listening, hearing validating and responding.
Recognition: Validate others forthright talents, hard work, thoughtfulness, etc. Praise generously, show appreciation and gratitude.
Fairness: Treat people justly with equality. People feel you have honored their dignity when you avoid discrimination and judgment.
Benefit of the Doubt: Treat people as trustworthy. Believe they have good motives.
Understanding: Believe that what others think matters. Actively listen while you give the opportunity for them to explain.
Independence: Encourage people to act on their own behalf.  They will feel a sense of control and hope.
Accountability: Take responsibility for your actions, apologize if you hurt another's dignity. Ten, commit to change your behaviors. 

10 Temptations to Violate Dignity
Taking the Bait: Don’t let the bad behavior of others determine how you will act.  
Saving Face: Don’t bother trying to save face, just admit your responsibility for your mistake.
Shirking Responsibility: Admit it when you make a mistake, and apologize to the person or people whom you’ve hurt.
Seeking False Dignity: If we only depend upon others for validation, we’re seeking false dignity.  Authentic dignity resides within.
Seeking False Security: Don’t remain in a relationship in which your dignity is routinely violated in the name of connection.  
Avoiding Conflict: Don’t avoid confrontation when your dignity has been violated.  Look out for yourself.
Being the Victim: Don’t assume innocence in a troubled relationship.  Recognize that you may be contributing to the problem.
Resisting Feedback: Feedback gives us an opportunity to grow.  We might not know of the violations we are committing until we are told.
Blaming and Shaming Others to Deflect Your Own Guilt: Making yourself look good by making others look bad doesn’t really make you look good.
Engaging in False Intimacy and Demeaning Gossip: If you want to create connections, speak truth about yourself.  Avoid connecting by gossiping about another common person.

    
            As I worked my way through the text, I found myself reflecting upon these ideas.  Now, I will say that to my way of thinking, none of these statements are anything that we would consider earth shattering.  They’re absolutely wonderful, but they’re all common sense.  That is, we shouldn’t need to be told to give people our full attention in listening.  We shouldn’t need to be reminded that blaming others to shift the guilt away from ourselves is bad.  And yet we do.  So the question is, why?  Why do we need to be reminded to see people as people?  Why do we need to be reminded that even the person we despise has dignity? Why can’t we take our experiences, learn and grow from them, and make this world a better place?  Okay, the answer to that last one is that WE CAN learn, grow, and make this world a better place.  We don’t because we’re in a culture where instead of looking out for we, we look out for me.  Your culture has ingrained in you that everyone is out to steal your piece of the pie, and you need to ensure that doesn’t happen by putting yourself above others.  My culture has ingrained the same in me, and it’s so damn sad to think that we’re doing this to ourselves and merely perpetuating the cycle of dignity violations and emotional abuse.  It doesn’t have to be this way.  It doesn’t have to be this way.  IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY! Call me an idealist, tell me I’m dreaming and that I have my head in the clouds.  Tell me I’m just a kid and I have no idea how the real world works.  But don’t just ignore me and cast my idea off.  (Hint, if you actually read the list above, you’ll see this as an essential element of dignity)  The point is this, once you stop seeing someone as your ally and start seeing them as a competitor, you’ve already lost.  I believe that with practice and conscientious effort, we can turn the tide on this “me versus him” mentality that we have going on.  I know, I know, it’s hard to wrap your head around, but think of it as loving your neighbor, or even your enemy.  When someone gives a smart retort and it really pushes your buttons, see if you can let it go. 

          The other text I’ve spent some time with and am really enjoying is Saint Augustine’s Confessions.  It’s amazing to see what someone who lived between the 3^rd and 4^th centuries was contemplating.  ##
As an example, Augustine writes,

Do heaven and earth contain you because you have filled them? or do you fill them and overflow them because they do not contain you? Where do you put the overflow of yourself after heaven and earth are filled? Or have you, who contain all things, no need to be contained by anything because what you will you fill by containing it? We cannot think you are given coherence by vessels full of you, because even if they were to be broken you would not be spilt. When are you 'poured out' (Joel 2:28) upon us, you are not wasted on the ground. You raise us upright. You are not scattered but reassemble us. In filling all things, you fill them all with the whole of yourself. (4)

The question evokes such beauty.  There is nothing large enough that can contain God, yet God is large enough to contain all of us. I don’t know what to say about this one, it’s just sticking with me.  I can’t get it out of my head.  I also enjoyed some gentle reminders later in the text about the gentleness and commitment of God.  Some of these reminders are:
- God will never leave me (or you) even if I (or you) leave God. 
- God was there even when you couldn’t find your way with a map.  This isn’t a put-down to people who struggle with navigation.  It serves to make the point that even when you are lost in a foreign land, when no landmarks are recognizable and you’re out of cell range, God is there in that moment, in that space. 
- Love is powerful.  More powerful than we can fully grasp and understand.  And the grief that comes from losing someone you love is inexplicably horrendous. 
- God did not create and then depart.

There are so many more key ideas I want to share, but I’m going to stop there.  Augustine had such a deep well of understanding when it came to philosophy and theology, it’s fun to hear (read) his thoughts and follow his logic process.  He wasn’t a saint (okay, at some point he became one, but he had QUITE the time growing up!), but he sought a deeper relationship with and understanding of God.

          So, those are my two favorite readings for the week.  I was thankful for the reading retreat today which also enabled me to slog through a reading for yet another class that I didn’t enjoy so much.  It’s a Brueggemann text (I know!  I love Brueggemann, but not this one!) regarding religious education, and I couldn’t get my brain beyond his using what I believe is a made up word, multiple times.  I’m reading another one of his texts for another class, and it is absolutely phenomenal, but this one… woah.  I’m glad it’s finished.  The retreat started at 9am with a homemade breakfast of French toast casserole (either cinnamon of pumpkin flavors) baked scrambled eggs (made with eggs, milk, and butter), fresh fruit, coffee, and orange juice. There were about 25 participants, and it took 9 dozen eggs to make our breakfast.  After, we gathered for a brief morning worship where we shared our goals for the day, and then we settled in to work.  My main task was to get through some reading, but some people were working on writing papers, drafting letters, research, writing sermons, planning services, etc.  I rolled out a large cushion in between a stone pillar and a wall in the Robinson chapel and began reading, where I promptly fell asleep after 20 pages for a good 10 minutes.  We gathered upstairs in the big sanctuary of Marsh chapel for our mid-day worship where we sang, “Come and Find the Quiet Center,” and listened to a roughly 40-person Chancel Choir sing Ave Maria.  Absolutely breath taking.  Lunch was sandwiches, followed by more work time.  We ended around 5:30 with a closing service in which we shared our paths of success (or lack of success for some) that we had traveled on throughout the day.  I thoroughly enjoyed the retreat and plan to go again in the future. 

          

          The library is quite possibly my favorite place in the School of Theology building.  I’ve been working on setting boundaries about doing school work in my room.  My room is a place for rest, relaxation, and fun.  I’ll do work in here if I have to, but I think having the separate, almost sacred space is helpful.  Because of this, I’m needing to spend time in the library.  You’ll recall from an earlier post that I was excited about this.  I still am!  I need to be a bit more diligent about making effective use of that time (I slacked a bit this week), but it’s all working out and the librarians are wonderful. 

          Life in Boston is fast paced.  I learned VERY quickly that you cross Comm Ave if there aren't any approaching cars, even if you don't have the signal to walk.  And I also learned that you need to leave extra commute time because the T is not always reliable.  

Finally, I'm not really getting married.  That is all.

Peace

Rachel

* All words and ideas belong to Donna Hicks.
Hicks, Donna. Dignity: The Essential Role it Plays in Resolving Conflict. Yale University Press, London. 2011. Print.

## All words and ideas belong to Saint Augustine
Augustine, Saint . Confessions. Oxford University Press, USA.  1992. Print.